The Face Of Pain & Losing Hope!

I have not posted on this blog for a while and I have been asking myself why?  Its not that I have nothing to write about, or that I don’t have the time?  What it was I did not really know.

Then last night, while staring at the ceiling, I realised why I was procrastinating………guilt!

Yep, just like the rest of the female gender, I was feeling guilty………….not about surviving the big C or about complaining about life as a survivor; I have always reasoned that this was okay because along with complaining, I was sharing much of what I find out with you (and many of you were thankful, I know because you’ve told me).  I did not feel guilt then, so why is it bothering me now and what am I feeling guilt about?

The truth is, it all comes down to pain and my ability to handle it or not!

Its been over 13 years for me since my treatments ended and quite honestly, 13 years of a nightmare I wish I would wake up from. Pain has been a constant for me, sometimes so bad I cannot move, sometimes bearable but always there……..ALWAYS!

I did however live with the possibility that I would triumph and eventually the pain would go but recent research published about the late effects of treatments on survivors & our quality of life, has left me unable to keep a positive image of my future…………and for this I feel guilty.

These recent findings (see below), which had me jumping for joy when I first read the news, have now diagnosed conditions or syndromes, as they are called, which are caused as a direct result of the Cancer Treatments. They are both chronic (dont go away) and degenerative (get worse over time). But even though that does not sound great, I was elated at the thought of being able to dump this new research on my doctor’s desk and say See my pain is real, its not in my head!”

One Syndrome is Radiation Induced Fibrosis the other is Chemotherapy Induced Neurological Syndrome..

I have both of them!  The symptoms read like my bio over the past 13 years………!.

In fact it was with much relief that I originally read this research because I have been fighting a medical system that did not want to know for 13 years. However, I was also slowly realising the true implications of the news and coupled with my escalating pain over the past few months I started to withdraw.  I cancelled doctors appointments, have not had a breast scan in a couple of years and In fact I even ran away to Mexico twice over the winter.

So it was not just the blog I was avoiding….. it was my life.

The ‘you’re better than this’ talks to self, which did no good, were followed shortly by a slow loss of hope, then a slide into selfish wallowing……….hence the guilt & always the pain. I was exhausted too. 🙁


It has taken me a while to see it, we are often not aware of these things until something happens and for me that something was seemingly insignificant but pivotal. My 4 year old grandson, who was in bed nursing a bad cold, said to his mother……...’I dont like being sick. Poor Nana is sick all the time!”

When my son told me this, it hit me like a tonne of bricks………..WHAM!  – Right in the face.

I have always been a very high energy, active person and the last 13 years have taken most of that away from me, I was however not aware that my grandson looked at me with concern and sorrow………….. That is the last thing I want, in fact it was always been upmost in my mind, as I do not want to be remembered that way.

So I got my kick in the pants and I am now putting them back on and have decided :-

The pain is not going to do this to me!


Me on a Bad Day

The pain is not me!  

The pain can only change me if I let it and that is simply not happening!

So take a look at the Face of Pain because its not going to show itself again. 



See you on the bright side  😀 


related articles: Breast Cancer Radiation not always neededMy Cancer Story ; Surviving Cancer Treatments


Reference Article http://www.cancerforward.org/survivor-resources/experts-speak/Michael-D-Stubblefield-MD/radiation-fibrosis-syndrome-what-it-is-and-how-to-treat-it


Disclaimer: Coach Lin is not a medical professional and all information on this site is her opinion only. Coach Lin, Helping Hand-Life Coaching & walkawayfromcancer.com cannot be held responsible for any actions taken by any reader of this blog.  A doctors advice should always be sought before undertaking any medical action or medication.  


All rights reserved © copyright Helping Hand – Life Coaching 2014




  1. Jacky Manchester

    Oh this is so good, a warning to someone about to go that route, and I am trying to re-direct. I have friends just like you, I am so sorry you have to suffer this, but like Max Lucado says, “You will get through this.” I like your spirit, check out nutritional sources for help to build up your system, and treat your body like a Queen, pamper and take care of it. The best to you. Jacky

    1. Coach Lin

      Hi Jacky, thanks for the comment, I hope the artical helps you with your friend.
      I do take care of me now. It was a lesson I had to learn but slowly I have adapted my life, eat only organic and I take good quality supplements. I also have regular hands on therapy to help me keep moving.

      Please let me know if I can help at all with your friend.


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